The Way You Communicate About Homework Matters
With a lot of parents that I work with, homework is one of the biggest challenges kids, tweens, and teens with ADHD are facing in their everyday life.
Some of the challenges that come up with homework are procrastination, arguing around homework, forgetting assignments, or forgetting to turn them in (how frustrating!).
What commonly happens is that parents and their kids will fall into a pattern of communication that isn’t helpful for anyone, but nobody else knows what to do instead.
Here’s what often happens:
Child: Delays doing homework, forgets to do homework or turn it in, or ignores parents requests to do their homework.
Parent: Starts lecturing child about why they need to do their homework, get started on it, or about what the future will look like if they don’t do their homework.
Child: Tunes out parent and doesn’t listen to the request.
Why this happens:
For a lot of parents, turning to lecturing is what they do as a result of their own anxiety or worries about their child’s future or homework and that’s understandable.
This is just one of the common communication challenges parents fall into that I discuss in my course for parents of tweens and teens with ADHD.
It is hard to see your child struggle with homework and to see how it can impact their future and to not intervene or attempt to get them to do their homework.
You have the best intentions with trying to help them to see the future and to think of the possible consequences.
The thing is, this isn’t going to help motivate them to do their homework or to study for school and classes more.
Most kids know that not doing their homework can lead to consequences, but those consequences are so far into the future (e.g., grades, colleges), that it’s hard for them to see them right now.
What you can do instead:
I’m going to be honest. Helping your child with homework is going to take a lot of work, and a lot of the times, the things you’re doing as a parent aren’t going to feel helpful.
So I’m going to leave you with one tip that you can use when you want to motivate your child to get started on their homework.
First, notice when you are wanting to engage in lecturing as a communication style.
Then, turn your lecturing into a brief request, “I would like for you to….”
“I would like you to start your homework.”
“I would like you to finish your homework before you hangout with friends.”
“I would like you to show me your Powerschool so I can see you completed your assignments.”
Taking a small step and some action in this way, will help reduce your own anxiety because underneath the lecturing is something that you are wanting your tween or teen to do.
What after that?
Okay, I know I’m going to get a ton of questions about what do I do if they don’t listen to my request still…I get it.
To be honest, it’s going to depend so much on your individual situation and what area of homework your child is struggling with.
It may involve setting up an incentive system, structuring homework differently, or using consequences. But starting with turning your lecturing into a brief problem-focused request can help your own anxiety as well as their follow-through.
If you want more support for how to manage other communication challenges that come up, you can check out my teen course here.